Only the lonely

*G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T – Changing Faces*

We live on and love our phones. We brag about the having the latest technology on social media. We are living in a time where anyone could learn anything about us at any given moment. It’s literally at the tips of their fingers. Some of us talk to “strangers” day after day online. I use the term “strangers” loosely because while in most cases we haven’t met our online friends some have. But are they really strangers? These are people we share things we don’t even tell our closest real life friends or family. Some times those “strangers” know about pregnancies, cheating, and even abuse well before any family member does. They send money to each other, they listen and give advice. Show off their kids daily via video chats. So who’s to say whether they are actually strangers or not? To me, it’s in the eye of the beholder.

*Emotions – Bee Gees*



But even with that constant interaction, we still feel alone. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, many of them sleep alone. These seemingly wonderful friendships are only found on social media. How can one be alone if they are constantly surrounded by people? They aren’t. They are surrounded by words. Words comfort you, but cannot embrace you. Words can touch your heart but never touch you. It isn’t enough. It doesn’t fill the void. At all.

*Hurt – Johnny Cash*

The torment we feel from having this friend circle that is only available by logging in is horrendous. We find ourselves longing for the same attention we receive online in our daily lives. Those who have a full lives and aren’t lacking attention won’t understand this. Being a housewife, a SAHM, or even working from home in some cases brings about this emptiness inside you that doesn’t subside. Speaking as a SAHM, I am everything to everyone. I am constantly battling spreading myself thinner and thinner for my 5 children every single day and at the end of the day, I am emotionally exhausted. Drained completely. I long for  emotional attention, affection, and conversation from my husband who is also drained from working all day. Does that mean I get to stop? No. I continue to squeeze out whatever is left of me to make him feel comfortable, and relaxed. I don’t ever feel appreciated. I absolutely don’t feel loved. I’m ignored. Who even am I anymore? So let me just log in real quick and make some jokes, hear the I love you’s from the people I will probably never meet to compensate for what I am lacking in real life. It’s like getting a bandaid when you need stitches. And when I do log off, reality sets in and I am still alone. I am still drained and lacking those things I totally need.

*All by myself – Eric Carmen*

*I need love – LL Cool J*

“So say something! Tell your husband how you feel.” Oh sure because I NEVER thought of that. *Huge eye roll* I’ve never thought to tell him I need attention. That I want to be loved on. That I am lonely. That I need affection. Those comments have yet to work for me though. I used to think this is just how it goes. You get get married, have kids, get old and that’s that. You won’t always be happy. Being lonely is apart of the life you signed up for. But it isn’t. I didn’t sign up for that. As a matter of fact I want to talk to a manager! This is NOT what I ordered. I wanted something deep. Something meaningful. I wanted to be able to stay up one random night talking to my husband until the sun came up and sharing moments of our lives and it not matter that we’re tired as hell the next day. I wanted to be loved and missed. I wanted to be his everything. The love of his life. The one he’d been waiting for. I wanted him to be MY everything. I wanted to be able to say to my kids “Mommy went through so much but finding your dad made the heartache I experienced worth it” because I would KNOW how much he loved me. I wouldn’t doubt it for a second. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to search for attention. What a thought. I would no longer feel the need to log in to get a bandaid. I wouldn’t have to say “hey, I feel lonely”. I wouldn’t ever be alone. He would make sure I never felt that way.


*My All – Mariah Carey*

Sounds great doesn’t it? But that isn’t the hand I was dealt. I would love to have that life. I used to make fun of a friend of mine who used to say “I just want someone to fold sheets with” because it sounded so corny. Now I understand. It was never about folding sheets. It was about having someone wanting to meet you halfway. Someone who would never want you to go through anything alone. Someone who would do anything to make sure you knew they would always be there. I’m sorry sir. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry I ever mocked you. I see it so clearly now. To have your very own imperfect perfection in another person. To see your future in someone’s eyes. To have someone level you out with a look. It’s a perfect balance. Then all those other things don’t seem so overwhelming do they? You’re no longer emotionally drained at the end of the day. Because every evening, you’re automatically recharged by their presence. No song could ever describe what you are to one another. Now that’s a BIG statement coming from me. Is it out there? Could something like that be real? It has to be. I refuse to believe it isn’t. Will it ever cross my path? That I don’t know. But some where right now there is a couple like that in each other’s arms grateful they found each other.

*More Than Words – Extreme* &

*You don’t know me – Ray Charles*

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I love you for being you.

I love you for being you. For all the things you want to be. For all the things you are. I love your flaws. I love your brain. I know you’re damaged. That doesn’t make me love you less. In fact, it makes me love you more. I love you, the real you. The person hardly anyone sees. The person you so generously show me daily. I know you. I know why you hurt. I love you past your pain. I love the side of you that you don’t acknowledge. If you let me, I’ll love you the rest of my life. This isn’t a selfish love. I don’t expect to gain anything from loving you. This is me giving you my unconditional love. Not because you asked for it. You deserve to be loved just the way you are. You never have to put a front up with me. You don’t have to hide anything from me. You don’t have to be afraid of being judged by me. You will always have my love. You can let down your guard with me, be vulnerable with me. You don’t have to hold back your tears. You don’t have to hold your tongue. You can be as blunt as you want to be. You can be brutally honest with me. I will love you more and more with each honest conversation we have.

But you will never love me the way I love you. It will never be reciprocated. The love I have for you will continue to go unnoticed. You will stay oblivious to my open heart on my sleeve. You will never know how much love you have waiting for you within me. I do have to be afraid. I do have to put on a front with you. I can never let my guard down with you. You could never love me past my pain. You would never look at someone like me and want to love me past my flaws. You’ll never see the broken girl inside me and love her too. You don’t even see me or know the love I have for you. And even with me knowing those facts, I still love you. I unconditionally love you for being you.

 

*Trapped in the Closet – R. Kelly*

It’s time

Have you ever really loved a woman – Bryan Adams

Opening yourself up to someone is always a risk. Whether it be a friendship or a budding relationship. It’s not easy to peel back the layers of one’s self in hopes that this person accepts you and still likes you for you. When you do find that with someone it’s amazing. There is nothing like it. Feeling like you found someone to share the depths of your soul with. Someone finally understands you. Finally hears you. Sees you for the real you. It’s beautiful. Makes all the chaos worth it.

Just my imagination – The Temptations

Then there is the flip side. The person you held nearest and dearest to your heart turns on you. They don’t even have to turn on you actually. They just no longer return your feelings. They are no longer interested in your stories. They no longer laugh at your jokes. They avoid you. Replace you. Ignore you. Disregard you. You sit around wondering what you did to deserve this. Why don’t they love you anymore? Why can’t things just be the way they were? What changed about you so much that they lost interest?

The truth is, nothing could have happened within you. You could still be the same exact person. They changed. Change is inevitable. They simply lost interest. Realized you weren’t their cup of tea. You know what? That’s okay. The experience of that loss alone will also change you as well. Unfortunately nothing lasts forever. No matter how much we would like it to. Friends will leave, relatives will pass on, people will get divorced. Don’t let that stop you from being true to yourself and allowing yourself to be open to starting over, again. Be the kind of friend you are to others to yourself. Hurt will fade. Love is everlasting.

If you were here.

If you were here, would you be upset at the life I live?

If you were here, would you kiss my hand like you did so many times before? I loved that. I never told you that I loved that. There are so many things I didn’t tell you. So many things I still need answers to. I need your advice so bad. I long to hear your voice. I miss you every single day. If you were here would you still understand me? I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I’ve become. I see a glimpse of a person I once was but it’s fading so quickly. I wish you could just talk to me one more time. One more road trip. I know you aren’t reading this but somehow it makes me feel better thinking that you might be.

*wish you were here – Pink Floyd*

Remember how we used to drive just for the hell of it and listen to music for hours on end? I tried to do that today. But I had no one to share my music with. I had no passenger to hear me say “you know what this song is about?” And I thought of us. I thought about how those trips weren’t just about music. They were about bonding. We learned so much about each other on those trips. We laughed and cried. We talked about our problems. You asked me for my advice so many times. Me. Your kid. When I think about how you valued my opinion on that level, it blows my mind.

*Comfortably numb – Pink Floyd* *Gravity – John Mayer* *Me and Bobby McGee – Janis Joplin

What could I ever tell you that you didn’t already know? How could you ask me for advice? But I readily gave it. When you’d ask me about me it was always so genuine. You sincerely wanted to get to know me. I miss that. If you were here would you still want my advice? I know I long for yours. You were more than a father. You were my best friend. I thought you could always fix everything. Even present day, I have found myself saying “he could make the worst situation seem so miniscule”. How did you do that? How did you manage to make things seem so simple? I’d give anything to have you make me laugh again. Laughing with you was actually healing.

*Marvin Gaye – Got to give it up*

If you were here would you let me cry to you like I did so many times before? When you died, so did I. I couldn’t cry for so long that now when I do, I get angry at myself for doing so. Did you know that for a year after I couldn’t even look at your picture? I know that sounds shitty. I just couldn’t. I had dreams about you and would scream at you to leave me alone. I regret that so much. Now I find myself wishing you would be in my dreams again. The last movie we watched together was Cadillac Records. I can’t watch that movie and not think of you. Remembering you being so amazed by the music. Watching your eyes sparkle at every scene because you loved it all. You loved the way the instruments sounded. How good the harmonica was. You appreciated things on a level I have never seen anyone else appreciate anything. If you were here, I’d want to watch that with you again.

*Hurt – Christina Aguilera*. *All I could do was cry – Etta James*

You had your faults. You were human. But you owned your wrongs. You told me never let the sun set on my anger. I’m sorry that I don’t practice that as much as I should. You told me that a real man would put his family first and himself last and that one day I would experience that. If you were here what would you say about my husband? ‘Your husband will love you and you’ll know it’s real because you will be best friends. You’ll love each other so much that you’ll think man, I wish we grew up together so we could have always been together.’ If only you could see me now. ‘You’re going to find a man who loves you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved because you’re beautiful. I brought you into this world, I have always known how beautiful you were going to be.’ I remember those words so clear. To be honest, they anger me now. I don’t have the life you wanted for me.

*Musiqsoulchild – so beautiful*

You taught me so much and still I find myself needing you. I am lost here. What do I do? How do I do it? What’s fucking wrong with me? How come it’s not like what you said? Where did I go wrong? Why can’t I fix it? Why am I not good enough? Why am I unlovable? Why, when I do all the things I am supposed to, it still isn’t enough? Why didn’t my life turn out like you said it would? Why isn’t my husband like you said he would be? Why am I even writing this knowing you won’t answer? And most importantly why the fuck aren’t you here when I need you so fucking bad? I need you to tell me what to do. Tell me where I’m fucking up. Yell at me about how I’m acting and overthinking shit. Tell me what the fuck needs to be done. Tell me the ugly truth in only the way you could. I need you to help me understand. If you were here would I even be in this position? Would you like my husband? Would you talk to him about how a husband is supposed to treat his wife? Would I even have husband if you were still here?

*Don’t Let Me Down – The Beatles*

I just wanted to have the kind of love you guys had. I only wanted to have a piece of the happiness you did. Knowing there was no one else who could ever compare to her in your eyes. I wanted someone to look at me the way you looked at her even when she was at her worst. I wanted someone to love me the way you wholeheartedly loved her. But maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe my view on love is distorted. Maybe you were just wrong and it was never in my cards to have that kind of happiness.

*Love is a losing game – Amy Winehouse*

The only thing I know for sure is that I will never know what my life would have been like if you were still here.

*Never forget you – Mariah Carey*

Incubus – The Warmth

I’m numb. I have done all I can to keep up with the many faces I show. I feel myself breaking. I have many fooled. I am forgetting me. I feel myself fading away. Soon the walls will start to crumble. I have nothing and no one to blame but myself.

First born

As a mother I often question whether or not I am doing a decent job. I remember when the trench coat mafia happened. Everyone kept saying how could this happen? It was because they had no friends, they were bullied. People made enough sense of it that they justified it in a sense to create the Anti-Bully campaign. How has any of this helped the bullied/victims?Which introduced cyber-bullying because it was not “real bullying”. So you can’t in plain sight bully someone so the next best thing is doing it online. Bullying hasn’t stopped it has evolved. Kids still go to school and sit alone at the lunch table especially autistic children. No, they aren’t being picked on, but they aren’t being befriended or friended either. Being picked on daily and made fun of can be horrible for a child. So can being ignored. Longing for friends but because you don’t think like others and like most autistic kids, you like crafts, perhaps become obsessed with simple or strange things that fascinate you and knowing everything about them makes you feel superior in some way. Those things aren’t cool enough to make you friends for some odd reason or you talk about it too much and it comes off obsessive and turns people off. Not understanding whats wrong with you and why you aren’t liked or accepted. You try to dress the same, listen to the same music, try the same apps/games but still you have no friends. Because you’re the “autistic” kid. They would rather pass you by because it’s “messed up” to make fun of someone autistic but is perfectly acceptable to ignore them. The pain of silence is greater than is said. Even if one would be cool and take them under their wing and make them feel good.
Some older girls in my neighborhood helped me out and gave me some “how to be cool” pointers gave me some cool clothes and sent me on my way. They tried to help me and I will always appreciate that but I was way too weird and didn’t fit in at all. I had trouble making and keeping friends.
Does it surprise me that my son has the same problems? Umm no. I understand his loneliness and the other side of why he isn’t popular. I try to help with what I know but I’m mom, obviously I don’t know what cool is. Right now in his life, my love and friendship is great but isn’t what he is looking for. He wants to be apart of a crowd that loves him. I just wish I could help him fit in more to get that. *hair flip* But am I supposed to help him fit in? Is that bad? I want him to be proud of who he is but I also want him to fit it. We all want to fit in with some type of crowd. Hipsters all dress the same and shop at similar places, eat at similar places and it is so they can meet like minds. When you get a corporate job you want to fit in so you buy ties and some suits or pantsuits. I want him to be able to feel the version of normal he wants to feel. He comforts himself by drowning himself in a new obsession and tries to fill a void. Obsession is mild, he engulfs himself in to random hobbies/shows/games/ he can. That doesn’t make it any less lonely for him. He never speaks about it but I feel like he has so much to say and he isn’t telling me. How could you handle as a 12-year-old that you know people ignore you or treat you different and not usually good because you have this thing called Autism? The reason you don’t have friends, the reason you have never been to a party, the reason you don’t do sleepovers, is all because of Autism. He probably beats himself up every chance he gets.

*Cool Kids – Echosmith*