I went through so many emotions when I was going through my divorce. I had been married since I was 18, he was all I knew as a lover and as a friend. He was very cold in the end which was something I was not used to at all from him. He was always so loving and kind to me. He would have done anything for me. This person who wanted a divorce was a person I no longer knew. He was sleeping with our neighbor who pretended to be my friend so she could get close to him. He had fallen in love with her he said. She was everything I wasn’t to him. I recall a close friend saying she was just a poor imitation of me. I never fully believed that. I was jealous of her, so incredibly jealous. What made her so special that he was willing to throw away 7 years of marriage to be with her? He kicked me and our child out all to move her in and play house and I went back to my parents, a punishment in itself. They wouldn’t understand. They would only ridicule me and tell me to get over it. I didn’t need that shit. I wanted what he had. I didn’t want to be unhappy and deserted. How could I even begin to try to find someone when I didn’t know how to be with anyone else? Why was it so easy for him to be with her? We were all each other knew, we were everything to one another.
*How could you – K-Ci & JoJo*
As time went by, days seemed like months, hours like days. I was replaced, cast aside to raise my son and mourning the loss of my marriage. I needed to get out of my parents house. I didn’t care where I went but, I couldn’t stay there or I would lose the rest of my mind. Thankfully, a family member pulled strings and had a job lined up for me 250 miles away from where I was. Moving day couldn’t come fast enough. Upon arrival, I acknowledged that my heartache was going to follow me wherever I went. So I stayed with a cloud of sorrow constantly hanging over my head. Everyone noticed but was too polite to say anything. A friend re-introduced me to an old school chum and we hit it off. Actually, I don’t know that we hit it off, the truth was I loved the way he looked at me. He looked at me in a familiar way, the way my husband used to look at me. I could have been in a room filled with gorgeous half-naked women and my husband only had those bedroom eyes for me. He always looked at me like I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. I hadn’t been looked at like that in so long and here this old friend was giving me those eyes I longed for and I needed to feel wanted again. I submerged myself into him. I greedily ate up all of his affection and admiration. He quenched that thirst to be desired. I was a shiny new toy to him and he adored me. There were times I would forget the attention wasn’t from my husband. Until he would call me pretending to care about how our child was only to follow it up with wanting to meet to sign divorce papers. She was always making her presence known in the background immediately infuriating me. My face would get red-hot as my blood started to boil. This home wrecker had successfully hijacked the only person I have ever loved, who had ever truly loved me. I would glance over at the new beau and think, he was also just a poor imitation of my husband. Why couldn’t I find what he had? Was what he had real? I hated feeling this damaged. I was forsaken and shunned by the person who swore he would never abandon me. If this person who I was convinced was my soul mate wasn’t then, when was I going to find my real soul mate? When would this void be filled? I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. I didn’t know how to be alone.
*How could an angel break my heart – Toni Braxton*
Once I was finally disinterest and honest with myself, I moved on from that relationship and was forced to be alone. I couldn’t handle that for long. I leased an apartment, had a decent job and I was still miserable. Sitting alone in my apartment watching the same movies over and over with my toddler who didn’t understand my loneliness. Lying in bed looking at the empty space next to me crying quietly while my child slept. When would I get over the suffering? This agony that surged through my body felt like a million dull daggers killing me slowly. I wanted to beg him to choose me, I needed to hear his voice in the middle of the night to tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t only lose a husband but I lost my absolute best friend. This person knew all the worst things about me and loved me anyway, and I needed him to help me through this misery but, he was the one causing it.
How do people live through this torment? I now understood why people became suicidal after divorces, why they fell into excruciating depressions. I absorbed my environment and observed that the single girls my age went out to clubs and bars. I played the part by wearing the disguise of happiness while my true self was withering away. Seducing men I deliberately never wanted to see or speak to again. Allowing them to feel minutes my pleasure even though I felt lifeless, just to relive what it was like to feel the warmth of another body. Only to promptly kick them out because they weren’t the one I wanted laying next to me. Sex became the only way to retain what I had, yet it didn’t even begin to compare. If I had met my soul mate during that time I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day because no one could compare to my husband. I wanted someone who not only didn’t want me but hated my very existence. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I hated who I was becoming. The only thing I knew how to do when I hated myself that much was to abuse myself. I couldn’t go back to cutting myself. The last time I had done it was when he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I will never forget his words when he found me bleeding and crying, “you will always be pathetic.” as he rolled his eyes and left to meet her.
*Fuck the pain away – Peaches*
I penalized myself in a much more destructive way and was oblivious to it at the time. I started seeing guys who were verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn’t grasp that they were because I loathed myself so. Being belittled and degraded me seemed normal. To me, what they spoke was truth. I was all of those awful cruel things. I HAD to be, why else would he have chosen her over me? Thus began the downward spiral that would eventually bring me to the brink of death, literally.
*I can’t make you love me – Bonnie Raitt*